Pillar One: Reality
Our intention in creating Endings for Beginnings is to build a hub of resources to support leaders and their organisations to start conversations about brighter beginnings and healthier organisations, facilitated by better attending to endings.
This is the first of a series of blog posts, taking a deeper dive into the practical application of our Four Pillars of Better Endings for brighter beginnings: Reality, Emotions, Accomplishment and Ritual. These Four Pillars first appeared in an article that we shared with leaders in July 2020.
REALITY
We start with Reality- naming the ending, including the messy stuff! Fully naming what is coming to an end and the reality of that loss. For example, your detailed version of:
“From next week I am no longer working here, Monday will be different in that…”
Or
‘Project Blue has taken x years. We have invested y, and many people have worked on it across those years. The result is z.’
The Reality can entangle us, and it needs us to pause and separate out, and name, it’s different elements. It sounds obvious, but it’s the bit that is so easily skipped or rushed because the assumption we make is that because something is on our minds we have really acknowledged it to be true. It is the difference between intellectually knowing something, and really emotionally knowing something. This first step can sometimes hit you like a thunderbolt.
What do we mean by messy stuff?
When something comes to an end it might have been successful, or unsuccessful, the people involved may or may not have had choice and agency in the decision. It might have happened on time, and is expected, or happened out of the blue for those on the receiving end. There is often messy stuff involved in bringing something to a close, on the leaders part, and for those affected. Often, this messy stuff can’t be talked about openly and publicly. This can in turn lead to an assumption that the best thing to do is say little and move on quickly, in case it raises awkward moments or questions. Messy stuff often has conflicting elements to it, and is closely linked to the second pillar of his work, Emotions.
Some examples of what we have encountered with our clients as messy stuff that gets in the way could be.
“It wasn't my choice to close the department but I am accountable for leading the process.”
“I am secretly relieved that she has taken voluntary redundancy, otherwise I would need to look for head count savings elsewhere.”
“We will have a compromise agreement, therefore what can I truly say and express?”
“She used to be my boss, and brought me into this organisation. She has been on furlough, and is now not coming back. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn't for her.”
In naming the Reality, including the messy stuff, we also begin to deepen our understanding of who and what is affected.
It’s also worth noting that if it is a significant ending, at some point, the ending will need to be attended to. Often when we work with clients it is not on a current ending, but one from that past that still has entanglements that are impacting today.
If you are thinking as you read this that it would be useful to fully lay out the reality of an ending in your organisation, there are some questions below that can help you do that. We are aware as we offer this, that this is an area that people often choose (either consciously or unconsciously) not to attend to for the very reasons that we wrote the original article, in that it can be painful, challenging and emotive work. We encourage you in doing this work, to seek support if you think you need it. We encourage you to start with work on yourself, and not use these approaches to work on others unless you feel safe and qualified to do so.
Start with you. Work safely. Seek support.
USEFUL QUESTIONS FOR EXPLORING REALITY:
If the ending you are thinking about were a book, what would the title be?
And the chapter headings?
Who are the significant characters? What were their roles in how this ending came about?
What would the characters, including you, be saying about this ending?
What is in your messy stuff?
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